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To this day "God" is the name by which I designate all things which cross my willful path violently and recklessly, all things which upset my subjective views, plans and intentions, and change the course of my life for better or for worse.
Carl Jung, 1955
There was nothing my will could do to stop the flow of despair that surrounded me after the heart attack.
I was told that as a result of damage to the heart, I had a 50% reduction in the capacity of my heart to pump blood efficiently, the “ejection fraction” of the heart. This resulted in frequent sensations of some kind of internal backflow in the heart, a very disquieting whooshing and swooshing. Similar to the perception of the PVC’s, these sensations triggered anxiety, and I assumed that another heart attack was imminent.
The only activity that brought relief was doing these drawings; after each completion of a drawing, I felt as if some burden had been lifted, something had been changed within. They didn’t do a hell of a lot for improving the ejection fraction, but they improved my spirits.
This is not what I had planned for my life.
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